I've done it again: I've got another stray gay from somewhere in the country, bringing my total to five now. Stray gay: the gay kids who are lonely and usually haven't come out yet, therefore are clingy and a little desperate. I've got five of them. Quick statistic moment: five stray gays, five YOUNGER stray gays. Three think I'm dating them, and of those three, two think we're going to devirginize each other. Three think I'll be visiting them at some point in the future, and four want to visit Utah just to meet me. Only one has actually had cybersex with me—not that any of you wanted to know that, but there you have it. Locales range across the country, from California to Missouri to New York. Joy, I'm dating a multicultural posse.
What is up with me? Is there something that gets transported through the internet that screams "LONELY CONFUSED GAY TEENAGERS! PLEASE TALK TO ME!"? Really. I would turn it off in a minute if I could.
This one I didn't even TRY to pick up—and yes, it feels like I'm cruising bars and picking people up. He started chatting with my best friend since third grade, who apparently is slightly bi. (First I've heard of this. My fault, I think. I kind of used him to help figure out who I was, and now it seems there were side effects. He has yet to explain if it's just me or males in general. And why hasn't he told me before? Honestly, if anybody at our school was going to come out to somebody it might as well be me. Apparently I'm a good shoulder to cry on.) Because I'm infinitely more experienced with chatting up random strangers online, my friend transferred SG5 over to me.
Judging from past experience, the SG will latch on to me because I listen and can empathize. Trying to cut off the major we're-dating-from-three-states-apart latching, I tried explaining how I love talking and stuff but there wouldn't ever be a relationship until we met—though at the time I was nowhere near as coherent—and he was disappointed. "I'm beginning to feel you and really like you." Thanks, but we've been talking for maybe twenty minutes at this point. Sure, I can be all mentor-esque because a lot of the same stuff has happened to me, but that doesn't give you permission to start like, hanging on my every word or something. And it certainly doesn't give you permission to say we're dating if we haven't even met.
SG5 seems like a great guy, don't get me wrong. The only "problem" I picked up in our two-hour conversation is his lack of self-confidence. As well as his ignoring what I said for whatever delusional romance we have. "You're turning 18 in a month, so why don't you move to LA?" Yeah, right. I have no car, I have no money, and I certainly have nothing in LA. "I could come visit you in Utah." Great gesture and all, but I'm really not that worth it. "I've got a car and I can drive it, I'll totally come visit you." Um, aren't you listening?
Okay, so maybe I can be excessively flirty and, how shall we put it, open no matter who I'm talking to or what we're talking about. Maybe I sent mixed signals? I don't know. I just don't want another stray. I feel slightly guilty having them so dependent on me, because that's what it feels like. I feel as though these people I've never met are depending on me for love, and all I can do is ask for love in return. I don't want to be sucked dry, but how can you avoid it? And it's impossible for me to say "no" to people. I see no way to say to SG2 that no, we're not together and no, I'm not driving to Missouri to see you because yes, you are barely older than my younger sister so I could be arrested for statutory rape after November 8.
I like all these random people. I can see why they're doing it, or at least why they're becoming so attached to someone so vague. I have the same problem. There's no gay people here. Nobody to relate to here, nobody to possibly fall in love with here. So we turn to the internet, where we can be whoever we want to be, where we can talk across the country in seconds.
The only difference I can see is that I separate online long-distance relationships from actual relationships.
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