Thank You, Dear Mother

Dear Mother:

Just a note in gratitude and appreciation of all you've done for me.

Thank you for being so judgmental. It makes my social life that much brighter when I hate bringing people home to meet you. Thank you for that look you get, with one eyebrow cocked just a little and your pursed lips — it brightens my day to know you don't approve of my friends.

Thank you for your tendency to gossip. It warms my heart to hear you talk about me on the phone to your friends, about how I've pierced my ears and you just have to accept it, acting like the door isn't open and I don't have to listen to you in the next room.

Thank you for your wonderful aura of happiness and friendliness. I brought a friend home — at the time he was a boyfriend, but no longer — and the first thing he said was "Your mom — what's up with her?" Thank you for that. Thank you for giving me the feeling that I'm being a burden in my own house (for this place has never really been a home to me).

Thank you for your seemingly effortless way of not feeling anything but self-pity. I can never get enough of the way nothing seems to matter to you but yourself and your plans. How I gave up trying to talk to you years ago because it all fell on deaf ears. How boo-hoo, your life sucks.

Thank you for your general, impossible-to-please, my-way-or-the-highway, just-stepped-in-something-gross-and-it-has-your-face, supreme bitch personality. You have successfully scared away a love interest. I hope you're happy now, because I sure am not.

Your son in blood if not in heart,
Bradley