Well, in the time since this post and the last one, half of the Karmic Pair came and went. I can't help but think it's my fault, and I attribute that to two things:
•I am an incredibly guilty-feeling person. I take the blame for pretty much everything. I feel terrible for saying "no" to anything (which seems to be how I got in the relationship in the first place). I seem to have this inability to let people down.
•I have to make people happy. My own feelings are relatively minor until the most inconvenient moments, at which point they flare up and take over everything in my own weird PMS. Yes, it's about a monthly thing too. (As a subcategory of this, I have to fix everybody. Got a problem? I will run myself ragged trying to make it better before I even look at my own flaws, which there are plenty of.)
The relationship started off great. He was so sweet and caring, and I was just me, so in my mind there was no comparison. And then natural tendencies kicked in. He wanted to go exclusive after just one date; obviously it meant a lot to him, and I went with it. He wanted to move in together; it would get me out of my own house (commonly referred to as the Soul-Sucking Black Hole of Doom, or similar) as soon as I graduate (status of which is currently pending thanks to a failed history class and make-up bowling credit), so of course I agreed.
But he started freaking out. If I wasn't with him I was probably out having hot hot sex with other boys. It didn't help he had a terrible self image to begin with, but being apart killed him. He checked in with my mother, who didn't even like him, to make sure I was where I said I would be. This was too much. I broke things off, partly because it would soothe my conscience for just giving him what he wanted, but mostly because he was going crazy and I didn't necessarily want to follow.
Hooray. Longest relationship ever, a whole twenty days. Nineteen, if you don't count the first half of the breakup, which was messy and spanned Saturday and Sunday.
Sigh. A contributing factor, I think, is that when I know somebody likes me part of me automatically says HAY! YOU SHOULD LIKE THEM BACK BECAUSE THEY LIKE YOU! So right off the bat there's confusing feelings. Do I really like them, or do I just think I do because it's what I should do?
It doesn't help that I give people everything anyway. On top of that I have no limits, no qualms that would stop me from any pattern of behavior. Sometime last December I was reading a book about teenage prostitution and I reached the conclusion I would have no trouble selling my body. Sure, I would LIKE a different job, but I saw no problem with having sex for money; the only thing that bothered me was the fact I wasn't bothered. So how can I say "no" to anybody about anything, if I can't see anything wrong with it and they're asking it of me?
On top of all this, it's looking less and less likely that I'm going to be graduating on time. Life at home is becoming even more soul-sucking, what with the rampant mother and the general feeling of gloom over the house. As much as I love my family I just can't stand any of them right now. Whoopdedoo.
....And there really isn't any good way to wrap this up. This is the end, I promise.
